Running Out of Time

Blog #16

July 18, 2012

Running Out of Time

I can’t believe I only have two more weeks left in Piacenza and am about to begin my summer adventures. These past two years have gone by so slow and so fast at the same time. I think the hardest thing was being away from loved ones. While I was able to make friends here that I value very much, and was able to visit my Italian relatives occasionally, it doesn’t quite compare to the decade long bonds I have at home. The distance between the United States and Italy always remained large. And while Piacenza has become a home to me, it’s not where I belong in the long run. Not sure about Italy as a whole. My circumstances didn’t allow me to experience living in another city, such as my dream to live in Rome. Perhaps if I had a more diverse two years abroad, I would have a different opinion now.

Regardless, I do not want my experience in Piacenza to sound like a negative one, because it was far from it. The things I’ve learned here will last a lifetime; from truly being on my own for the first time where I couldn’t run home to Mommy and Daddy for help, to being challenged everyday to grow as a person and face my weaknesses head on. Personally, I’ve learned to be more patient, live and let God, and to simply enjoy life more instead of being as much as a control-freak as I was before. Some of my best memories were risky behavior or unplanned occasions (parental advisory). In my relationships, I’ve learned how to communicate better when there is often language/cultural barriers that can skew messages, how to maintain important relationships at home, and how to step away from relationships at home that were unhealthy or one-sided. Intellectually, I was challenged in the classroom to really have to push myself academically and adapt to a new system. I’ve achieved grades and goals that I never dreamed possible in this program. Professionally, my internship has made me feel valuable by working in a place where my skills are appreciated. This produced a new found confidence that I will carry with me through my job search this coming fall back in the States.

I can’t help but feel that I am running out of time. The list of things I wanted to do abroad and haven’t done is large. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. Other times I recognize how busy I was and the financial constraints I have. I’m very lucky I was able to stay the second year, even if I’m counting pennies these last few months. Instead of focusing on all I wasn’t able to accomplish, I’ve compiled this list as a snapshot of my two years in Piacenza. Some comical, some serious, but all part of my growing process.

Best memory: IBWE preparation, and all the fun we had going out June and July of the first year

Best laugh: playing American drinking games with red solo cups with an international group of friends

Best cocktail: tie between a Spritz and Caprioska alla fragola

Best drunk night: Sonnambula pregame and club, July 2011….everyone who was there knows exactly what I’m talking about!

Best house party: Mine, Charlotte, and Alexandra’s graduation party

Best European trip: Stuttgart, Germany

Best day-trip: Genova with Bobby and Regan

Best meal: Pizza Margherita in Napoli

Best friends: Annika, Klara, Veyis, Laura, Olivia, Gaia, Lauren, and Carlos (who have been particularly there for me through hard times)

Best challenge: Cheerleading for IBWE

Best tears: crying after graduated and drinking a bottle of prosecco on the Cattolica steps

Most difficult exam (that I passed!): Spanish

Easiest exam: Supply Chain

Darkest moment: getting sick this past January-February

Brightest moment: finding an internship

Best Italian word: la voglia

Best Italian word I invented: final-fuckin-mente

Best non-Italian yet foreign word: Stock im Arsch (german for “nerd”)

Best “fuck you” moment: graduating Triennale in February after all the stress Cattolica put me through

Most humbling moment: making friends with Piacentini

Best food find: Piadina, Tortelli, and Tosello’s pizza

Thing I’ll miss the most: tanning on the terrace with good friends on a Saturday, drinking Spritz, and then going out dancing at night. The perfect day.

Best WTF Italy moment: no AC in the gym....in 90+ degrees humid weather

Best "che bella Italia!" moment: meeting strangers in Pescara who welcomed me with open arms and treated me to a wonderful night out

Best FML moment: rob missing his flight at Malpensa airport because of public transportation issues, and me hysterically crying to the Alitalia representative in broken Italian. $1000 later for a new ticket.... FML

Best "why I came to Italy" moment: this is going to sound nerdy, but having an intellectually stimulating discussion with international students from different backgrounds. This always made me feel that my education was worthwhile here.

Best "why the hell did I come to Italy" moment: whenever I'm broke and the Euro exchange was high! And basically any experience involving TreniItalia or a bus.

In the end, this has been the best two years of my life and I am so fortunate to have lived in Piacenza. I had always wanted to return to Italy because of my roots. I have never felt quite American and never quite Italian, and being trapped somewhere in the middle always made fitting in feel extra difficult in either country. I’m curious to see what my re-entry will be like in the fall. I’m sure the first few weeks will be filled with joy and fun as I reunite with friends and family without having to say goodbye so quickly. But I have a feeling that once the excitement dies down, I will begin to feel “lost” again. With starting a career and the wedding coming up, it is unlikely that I will be back in Italy for at least 2-3 years. This is going to be hard for me, and I’m not yet sure how to cope with it.

My summer adventures start with a 2 week trip with Rob and my future in-laws (first time in Europe!) to Venezia, Firenze, Roma, and Sicilia. Then my parents arrive in our town Castellammare where we will spend 3 weeks just hanging out on the beach and visiting relatives. On September 4th, I meet my American childhood friends, Amanda and Ali, in Dublin for a week. Amanda and I will then continue our trip spending one day in London to see Les Miserables, a few days in Roma, and then back to Piacenza for a week for my thesis dissertation and graduation from the Masters program.

Even with all these wonderful things to look forward to, I still can’t help but feel that I am running out of time. I guess you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s fading away and reality begins to sink in. Adulthood, finding a job, marriage, bills and loans to pay….lots of new stress as I leave the old stress of my youth behind. I hope I can find a way to focus on enjoying the time I DO have left, instead of anticipating the future so much. I guess that aspect of my personality will never change.

Jackie <3

A dark place

Blog #15

May 28, 2012

A dark place

Nearly 5 months have gone by since I’ve written a blog entry. A lot has happened, but I haven’t had the will to write. In December I went home to New York for 3 weeks for Christmas break. In that time, Rob asked me to marry him and I bought a wedding dress (I don’t waste any time). We had a lovely engagement party with our close family and friends, which for me felt like us legitimizing our intentions and relationship. It’s no secret that I’ve been wanting to get engaged for a long time now and doing so was a relief in the sense that I feel like I have somewhat of a path to follow now.

My time home was also spent frantically trying to see friends and family before I had to leave again. I always hate that part because it never feels like normal life when I’m home. Always rushing around and I feel like a jerk that I have to schedule people in. Some people don’t understand that my time is limited and that me trying to make plans is my way of making sure that we have time for each other. Even with all my attempts, I always end up having a bunch of disappointed friends and family members who are upset the last few hours before my flight. It’s absolutely exhausting trying to balance everyone’s needs, but I do it because I love them. And I know that when I am home "for good", I won’t be stretched so thin.

I came back to Piacenza early January ready to conquer my Spanish exam that has been haunting me for months and preventing me from graduating with my BA from Università Cattolica. I failed the first attempt and was shocked how difficult the professor was making the questions for me. I was distraught as the university was threatening that if I couldn’t pass within the month, I wouldn’t be able to continue the Masters and all the work I’ve done the past year and a half would be lost. My internship search had yielded no results and I was extremely frustrated as I saw people around me getting jobs when I have worked so hard. I also became extremely homesick as I had spent so much time with my family and felt ten times worse about leaving a fiancée back home then leaving a boyfriend. I guess Rob was right about that in the end. I started to plummet into a dark place.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this next part in my blog because it’s extremely personal. In fact, I’ve had this entry saved for months now because I was afraid to post it and what people would think of me. But a close friend of mine recently said she missed my writing and asked why I haven’t posted in awhile. This pushed me to finally come clean. I feel like I should because I’ve always been honest here, and it could help someone else out who is struggling as well.

In mid January I began to have trouble falling asleep, even though I was always tired. I was extremely on edge for no apparent reason. Of course I was stressed and upset about the things I’ve mentioned above, but I’ve dealt with much larger problems before and I usually thrive off stress. I started to have panic attacks over something as small as missing the bus. I would cry over nothing throughout the day. Then the insomnia kicked in. I couldn’t sleep an entire night and watched the sunrise. I didn’t think much of it and figured it happens to everyone once in a while. Second night, same thing. I tried the usual methods to make myself sleepy like Tylenol PM, Benedryl, and Nyquill. Nothing worked. After the fourth night I went to the pharmacy and they gave me a herbal thing with Melatonin to help me sleep. It didn’t work and I was absolutely exhausted.

After the sixth night of not sleeping, I became frantic and my body went into shock. I called my friend in the middle of the night to come help me because I was literally scared to be alone. I wasn’t thinking straight and doing illogical things. She took me to the emergency center where the doctors gave me a tranquilizer shot because I was so frantic. I remember them saying it would put a horse out, but it didn’t work for me because my tolerance is so high. Another unsuccessful attempt. At this point I had to come clean with my parents of what was going on. I hadn’t been talking to them because I knew I couldn’t lie about my condition. Because they were extremely worried, my dad decided to book a flight and come to Italy the next day. In the meantime, I went to a general doctor and he hesitatingly prescribed me sleeping pills and Xanex for a short duration. Thank God they worked and I began a regimen of these medicines in order to function normally as classes had just started.

It’s embarrassing and I never thought it would happen to me.

Now we’re at the end of May. I went home for Easter to reboot. I found a job working at the U.S. Commercial Service in Milan which helps American companies enter the Italian market through market research, strategy consulting, and creating partnerships. My anxiety is under control and I am sleeping relatively normal again. I don’t have to take medicine on a daily basis anymore, but when I do have an “attack”, I know how to better cope with it and accept that I don’t always have control. This is one of those things that I can’t fix. It’s a condition. It might be temporary because of my environment or I might have it the rest of my life. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m not alone. It was amazing the outpouring of help and concern that came from my friends in Piacenza, my parents and family (especially my dad who flew to Italy like a crazy person), and all the people who have the same problem, admitted it to me, and talked me through it.

I’m happy again.

Jackie <3

Closing Time……Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

Blog #14
November 30th, 2011

Closing Time……Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

The semester is drawing to an end, and as I prepare to head home to New York in a couple of weeks, I wonder where the time has gone. I feel like I’m entering another transition stage, and being home is going to play a big part in the many important decisions I have coming up. Between eagerly searching for the last internship of my academic career and trying to figure out where I’ll be personally and professionally in September, I’m very overwhelmed with all the unknowns and lack of information I have at my disposal to make such decisions.

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl.

Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come.

So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend.
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

The first decision, what does this last internship mean to me and where will it lead? I’ve sent 25+ applications out to companies looking for a marketing/PR position and have heard nothing back. Beginning to get very frustrated of how slow the job search process is here. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s too early to expect to hear back for a position starting in March. This is difficult for me because I don’t live here and I’m already in a temporary state of being. I need to know in advance where I’ll be so I can make arrangements and budget accordingly.

This raises another question. Will the internship I do in Italy actual help my career in the United States? How likely is it that the job I have will transfer over that easily in today’s economy? The reason I question this is because I’ve been offered a very lovely position in Rome that pays well, finishes early so I’d have a summer, and could be rewarding on very personal level. However, the job is education based and not in my field. While I’m very passionate about the idea, it seems almost trivial to work so hard at this Masters in Business only to settle for a job outside of my “dream”. My concern is that when it’s all said and done, it won’t help me launch my marketing career, and could actually be a waste of time that I could have been using to rack up business experience. However, I could pass this opportunity up and get a business job that won’t help me in the United States anyway. It’s a very tricky spot to be in where I feel stuck in between my youth and desire to jump into adulthood.

The second decision regards my actual career. When I come home in September, I have to decide whether to focus my job search mainly in New York where I want to eventually settle down, or in Massachusetts where the cost of living will be lower and to be with Rob while he finishes up school. Realistically, most internationally based companies will be in New York City, but they’re a handful near Boston. I’m not sure if it’s worth starting something in a state that I’d leave in 1-2 years time. But moving straight to New York is also going to be difficult. I won’t be in a position to buy a house yet, and renting will make it impossible to save anything.

The third decision which ties into decision one and two is about Rob and starting our life together. When is the right time? I have reasons to rush it and get married next year and reasons to wait a little longer (until he’s done with school). It seems like we’re both going to have to compromise on a lot of things in order to meet both of our career needs, which seems to be the main issue right now. They’ll definitely be some major compromising when I get home. My prediction is that I’m going to have to give up a few things I want for the first 2 years in order to win some bigger battles in the long-term. It also seems like I have the more flexible of the situations come September.

The point is that there are so many unknowns, but I can’t help but have this feeling that when I go home for Christmas, a floodgate of answers will open. I just wish I had a better understanding of the cards in my deck before I played my next hand. For now, all I have are plans A, B, C,…followed by variations of each A.1, A.2, etc. I like the line in the song where it says “Time for you to go out to the places you will be from.” I’ve always found that to be a very profound way of looking at life. Whether we’re talking about geography or not, the unknown place we are going could be the place that defines who we become.

Jackie <3

Unfinished Business

Blog #13
September 29, 2011

Unfinished Business

A new year brings new challenges. It feels good to be on my own again, in my apartment taking care of my business. But at the same time, I feel a knot in my stomach that grows larger each day. The beginning of a new school year usually represents excitement and starting fresh, but the ghosts of my past are haunting me and preventing that experience. Sad to think that this is my last “first day of school” excitement. And yet it’s not mine to experience due to unfinished business.

Constantly driven by the need to plan and stay on track, I’m frustrated that I’m missing an exam that is preventing me from graduating with my peers in October. Especially since the exam was thrown on me unexpectedly and not part of my curriculum. But I’m dealing with the issue head on, I just have to change the nature of my plans and my expectations. The program that I’m doing is more important than how long it takes me to succeed at it.

Why are we so haunted by our unfinished business? It makes me think of the movie Casper the friendly ghost and his desire to feel complete, even after death. Maybe because unfinished business is associated with regrets and imperfection. It has such a negative connotation to it. As we race towards the imaginary finish line, our unfinished business becomes a weight on our shoulders, slowing down our pace and creating additional stress. I’m determined to not let my shortcomings slow down my race. We can all make it to the desired finish line, we just might have to take the scenic route instead of the fast lane. I’m used to getting lost on roads anyway.

Jackie <3

Un’estate, un’avventura in più

August 15, 2011
Blog #12



Un’estate, un’avventura in più

The Mediterranean Sea brings a wind that bounces off the mountain side, masks the heat of the blazing sun, and lands on my face as I sit here and write. After 5 weeks of travel, I’m finally in Sicily, staring at the same backdrop from my very first entry. The beach is crowded with people, but I’m all alone up on this terrace. My mind is empty and full at the same time, kind of like this land in a way. Lots of clusters overflowing with buildings, people, and noise, then miles and miles of nothing. That’s how I feel right now. When I look at the view I quiet my mind. I close my eyes and feel the hot and cool sensations, the sand on my feet, the sounds of the ocean, the distant buzz of music. When I open my eyes, I see my laptop in front of me, the mess I have to clean up, my Heineken making a puddle of condensation on the table. If only I could keep them closed and be oblivious.

It has truly been un’estate italiana, an Italian summer. More of an expression than just words. Describing it is not sufficient, and the experience will vary person to person. But the one thing that we all share is the power it has to call you back. I know I’ll always return. They believe this land is cursed here in Sicily; terra brusciata. I’m usually not one to believe in things like that, but there might be some truth to this power. Maybe cursed isn’t the right word. I believe it has something to due with having roots here, standing at the crossroads of civilizations and time periods, being tied to the blood, sweat and tears in the soil. Maybe it’s the paradoxes that intrigue me; a culture that can be so ugly and beautiful at the same time. A bad romance that you must give into.

My first entry was titled Chi vuole poesia, venga in Sicilia; those who seek poetry come to Sicily. Until this moment I didn’t understand the irony of this phrase which is poetry within itself. It’s not referring to a beautiful place of magic that inspires sonnets and works of art. Although it can be. It’s referring to place so powerful and weak, so beautiful and ugly, so rich and poor…..how can these contradictions not inspire poetry. They scream to be expressed. To be written, painted, drawn, put to music. These same contradictions exist within me, perhaps in all of us. They desire to be resolved, because that’s what society has shaped me to think. You can be a career woman or have a family. You can continue to see the world or you can settle down, etc. Then I wonder; can the girl of contradictions exist in the land of contradictions? They cancel each other out and what is left? It becomes a life where my eyes are sometimes open and sometimes closed.

Jackie <3

When worlds diverge

July 18th, 2011
Blog #11

When worlds diverge

After two months of writing my thesis and having various guests, I finally re-emerge to my blog; my own personal writing and sanity. I feel like a different person. Yes, two months can do that. Between an insane amount of final exams, research and writing, I must report that I feel more confident. Did I really need pieces of paper of approval to increase my confidence, or was it more the symbolism of these academic standards that led to self-accomplishment. That’s what I believe anyway. I’ve always been very competitive when it comes to school and grades, but when this process started, I made a promise to myself to not let it consume me as it had in the past. What I am doing here is an accomplishment in and of itself, and I don’t need the added pressure tainting the more important part of my experience here, outside the realm of school.

At the beginning of July, I had two childhood friends visit from the United States and an old American roommate currently living in Paris. It’s difficult to describe the emotions and interactions we had in Piacenza and traveling around Italy. I must preface this by saying that the trip was wonderful in every way, and I enjoyed having my friends be part of my new world. But this is where it gets sticky. The fact that I distinguish my old world and new world as two separate entities is strange, and I didn’t realize it until they were here and I caught myself saying it out loud. There are both positive and negative connotations to this (hence the preface).

How awesome is it to see your past and present collide, for you to suddenly feel out of your element after a year of adjusting. It fascinated me to see how they dealt with certain cultural differences; how things that bothered me also stood out to them, and how things that once bothered me didn’t affect them at all. It makes you realize how personality types have a huge bearing on cultural interactions (something I discussed in my thesis). My favorite thing was to watch them fall in love with the country that I love so much. Whether it was the limoncello, the internationalness of my friends, or the discoteca scene; it was all a beautiful romance to me that I was fortunate enough to witness.

At the same time, I found the whole thing very confusing. For the first time I realized how much I’ve changed. On both of my trips home to the U.S. for Christmas and Easter, it was not as apparent. I was on old turf doing familiar activities. When the tables turned, and part of that world was in my new world, it was kind of jarring to experience the differences firsthand. I feel myself rapidly sinking into this culture. It’s no longer a temporary thing, no longer a trip. It’s part of who I am. I see the world differently than I did a year ago, I feel emotions differently, I like-dislike different things. It also creates a new fear about my permanent re-entry in another year and what that will mean exactly (actually questioning it).

I don’t say these things to boast or make myself sound superior. That’s not what this is about. And it must be said, this doesn’t change friendships. If anything it’s about ME. It makes me look inside myself more deeply and ask more questions about where I’m going. I guess what I’m saying is that when worlds converge, you realize how much they’ve diverged. And I’m trying to find where I belong in the grand scheme of things.

Jackie <3

The universe responds

May 14th, 2011
Blog #10

The universe responds

What happens when you get what you want. When things fall into place and you stop feeling out of place. Everything is different now, everything makes sense. Yet I don’t understand why. Did my outlook change or did my environment? Back in January I asked to be more active, to use my body in a challenging way, and to have a physical sense of self; which I’ve been missing in my life. This wasn’t about joining a gym or exercising; it was about feeling again. Feeling aches, pain, and sweat. Falling and getting up again, pushing the limits.

How did the universe answer this need? In a way that made sense for me as an individual? Of course not! Cheerleading. Yes, cheerleading. I decided to go to IBWE- International Business Weekend in Moilets, France with a group of students from school. Basically it’s a big yearly gathering of 500+ students from 10 countries (the participating universities in the network). Each country is a team who competes in various sports and activities which add up to points, eventually leading to the awarding of a ‘world’ cup.

I was hesitant at first to be part of the cheerleading aspect of the competition. It reminds me too much of high school and the scene I didn’t particularly like. Dancing in front of people like that makes me uncomfortable. I feel exposed, especially physically. And that’s not the kind of stage I enjoy being on. Nonetheless, I went for it. Mainly because I wanted to contribute to the team and I figured it was a good way to get out of my comfort zone. Two months of practices, a lot of bruises, and the occasional tears….we made it to IBWE and placed 3rd. A big accomplishment for such a small team representing Italy.

It really wasn’t about what activity I was doing but rather how it motivated me to make some positive changes in my routine. I began daily stretching to prevent injuries from practices. I became more aware of what nutrients I was eating each day, and making sure I was getting enough protein since my diet is lacking meat. After the initial embarrassment, I started to feel more comfortable with my body in motion, even when it wasn’t so graceful when I was dancing.

More and more I’m starting to realize how my time abroad is creating so many opportunities for me that I wouldn’t necessarily be open to at home. I don’t have the choice here to do what I want (music), so I have to express myself in other ways. This is a growth experience for me. It’s also a way to prove to myself that I can do so much more than I think I’m capable of, and maybe sometimes the only thing holding me back is my own self-esteem issues. For this, I’m so grateful that I have another year here to continue to learn. This isn’t about a degree or a career; this is about being young and living a life of open doorways, where everyday I can shift paths freely and without any limitations holding me back.

Jackie <3