“And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in.”

Blog #6
January 12, 2011

“And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in.”


As I travel on this plane back to Italy, I find myself in a strange place. A limbo. Half of me is excited to start over and for all the changes I’m going to make upon returning to Piacenza. A better start to this journey that has another two years to go. At the same time, the other half of me is still crying in the airport embracing my mother in JFK. Tears of fear of what’s to come and emotional sentiment of what I’m leaving behind yet again. As much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t formed a life yet in Piacenza. It’s very easy not to go back, and I wouldn’t be that bothered about it. One would think that after four months, I would begin to form attachments and relationships, routines and a sense of belonging. This is not the case. I’m a foreigner in a strange land. Is it that strange? No, comparable to Boston. My culture shock doesn’t stem from the fact that I’m in a foreign country, but simply that I’m not home. For heaven’s sake, it took 3 years to begin to feel any sign of happiness in Boston, and then I left! That seems to be a pattern in my life. I’m always discontent with my current state, and I don’t reach fulfillment until it’s time to leave and move on. Then I have to start all over again. This pursuit of happiness thing is very tiring on the soul.

I choose to discuss the universe as my opening quote because in a way, I feel like I’m in a black hole right now on this airplane. Not really sure where I am, who I was, who I am, why I’m going back, etc.

Sure they’re obvious answers. I’m on the Indian airline Jet Airways with a stopover in Brussels, final destination Milano Malpensa, then bus, train, and bus again to my apartment. I was a Northeastern University student, I was just visiting home for the holidays. I am currently a student at Università Cattolica del Sacro Cuore pursuing a masters degree in International Business and Marketing. I have to return to Piacenza to take finals, find a new apartment, and begin a new semester at the end of February.

Simple when you think of it that way. But I know those are not the answers. The answers are a lot more complicated than that. They are floating around in this universe and I’m just waiting to collide with them- to be “enlightened.” And am I really putting myself in the right state of mind to find these answers? I draw my inspiration from this passage, as I just finished reading book two of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love, or India- The pursuit of devotion:

“If you clear up all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess about “x”, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot- a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed of.” (Richard from Texas, Eat Pray Love)

Fill in the “x” as you please. What are my x’s? Being successful at school and finishing my program, marrying Rob soon, having children and starting a family by a certain age, finding a job that involves my passions, make a comfortable amount of money in order to feel secure….the list goes on. Add my control freak personality and idiosyncrasies on top of that, and basically I’m a basket case of worry.

At the same time, laziness has a funny way of being my worst enemy and best friend at my convenience. How can I find this stillness I long for without crossing the line into laziness? How can I silence my worries, my thoughts, my constant uptight state of panic, without losing sight of my goals and desires? I’m haunted by one horrible experience I had back in 9th grade regarding a piano part I was suppose to compete with in NYSSMA. I was underprepared and so overcome by panic, that I simply quit on the day of competition, putting my conductor in a bad position where he had to lie to cover my ass. It’s such a small and trivial thing in the big picture, yet it sticks out in my head every time I have this conversation with myself about my crazy ambition. I work so hard because I am constantly in fear of being unprepared.

The answer is obvious- BALANCE (book 3…which I have not yet read!). When I find this balance, God will rush in. I know it’s true because I’ve experienced it before (specifically through the Holy Spirit). It was easier to find this silence at age 13, even my 13 when life was complicated, it doesn’t compare to the challenges of now.

What steps have I taken towards this balance between pleasure and prayer? Well pleasure comes easy to me. I’m living in Italy for Christ’s sake! I’m no stranger to culinary delights, and confession; I would die if I couldn’t indulge in long baths and watch Law & Order every night.
Prayer is on the weaker side these days, but I know how to get to that place when I use the right tools and shut up. But where’s the balance? To be honest, the only time in my life I felt like I was approaching a good state of being balanced was this past summer before moving. I was working, but not too much. I enjoyed my time off with friends and family, trips and the beach. I was in my comfort zone of faith at my parish.

And most importantly, I was practicing yoga. For someone like myself who is constantly living in the mind, there’s always this desire to ‘feel’ like you belong in your own skin. With all my thoughts, I think half of my anxiety comes from the feeling of not being grounded, as if I’m going to float away in my mind. I need to feel my body. Not necessarily in a sexual way, although being in touch with your physical self through yoga often leads to one being more comfortable with their body.

So there’s one answer for now. I need to dig my feet in the ground again. I need to use my body before it withers away to nothing but a vessel for my overactive brain to live in. So I’m throwing this request out into the universe and to God: help me feel human again. We’ll work on the spiritual part next.

Jackie <3

(This entry is dedicated to my goddaughter Julia in the picture)