When worlds diverge

July 18th, 2011
Blog #11

When worlds diverge

After two months of writing my thesis and having various guests, I finally re-emerge to my blog; my own personal writing and sanity. I feel like a different person. Yes, two months can do that. Between an insane amount of final exams, research and writing, I must report that I feel more confident. Did I really need pieces of paper of approval to increase my confidence, or was it more the symbolism of these academic standards that led to self-accomplishment. That’s what I believe anyway. I’ve always been very competitive when it comes to school and grades, but when this process started, I made a promise to myself to not let it consume me as it had in the past. What I am doing here is an accomplishment in and of itself, and I don’t need the added pressure tainting the more important part of my experience here, outside the realm of school.

At the beginning of July, I had two childhood friends visit from the United States and an old American roommate currently living in Paris. It’s difficult to describe the emotions and interactions we had in Piacenza and traveling around Italy. I must preface this by saying that the trip was wonderful in every way, and I enjoyed having my friends be part of my new world. But this is where it gets sticky. The fact that I distinguish my old world and new world as two separate entities is strange, and I didn’t realize it until they were here and I caught myself saying it out loud. There are both positive and negative connotations to this (hence the preface).

How awesome is it to see your past and present collide, for you to suddenly feel out of your element after a year of adjusting. It fascinated me to see how they dealt with certain cultural differences; how things that bothered me also stood out to them, and how things that once bothered me didn’t affect them at all. It makes you realize how personality types have a huge bearing on cultural interactions (something I discussed in my thesis). My favorite thing was to watch them fall in love with the country that I love so much. Whether it was the limoncello, the internationalness of my friends, or the discoteca scene; it was all a beautiful romance to me that I was fortunate enough to witness.

At the same time, I found the whole thing very confusing. For the first time I realized how much I’ve changed. On both of my trips home to the U.S. for Christmas and Easter, it was not as apparent. I was on old turf doing familiar activities. When the tables turned, and part of that world was in my new world, it was kind of jarring to experience the differences firsthand. I feel myself rapidly sinking into this culture. It’s no longer a temporary thing, no longer a trip. It’s part of who I am. I see the world differently than I did a year ago, I feel emotions differently, I like-dislike different things. It also creates a new fear about my permanent re-entry in another year and what that will mean exactly (actually questioning it).

I don’t say these things to boast or make myself sound superior. That’s not what this is about. And it must be said, this doesn’t change friendships. If anything it’s about ME. It makes me look inside myself more deeply and ask more questions about where I’m going. I guess what I’m saying is that when worlds converge, you realize how much they’ve diverged. And I’m trying to find where I belong in the grand scheme of things.

Jackie <3