A dark place

Blog #15

May 28, 2012

A dark place

Nearly 5 months have gone by since I’ve written a blog entry. A lot has happened, but I haven’t had the will to write. In December I went home to New York for 3 weeks for Christmas break. In that time, Rob asked me to marry him and I bought a wedding dress (I don’t waste any time). We had a lovely engagement party with our close family and friends, which for me felt like us legitimizing our intentions and relationship. It’s no secret that I’ve been wanting to get engaged for a long time now and doing so was a relief in the sense that I feel like I have somewhat of a path to follow now.

My time home was also spent frantically trying to see friends and family before I had to leave again. I always hate that part because it never feels like normal life when I’m home. Always rushing around and I feel like a jerk that I have to schedule people in. Some people don’t understand that my time is limited and that me trying to make plans is my way of making sure that we have time for each other. Even with all my attempts, I always end up having a bunch of disappointed friends and family members who are upset the last few hours before my flight. It’s absolutely exhausting trying to balance everyone’s needs, but I do it because I love them. And I know that when I am home "for good", I won’t be stretched so thin.

I came back to Piacenza early January ready to conquer my Spanish exam that has been haunting me for months and preventing me from graduating with my BA from Università Cattolica. I failed the first attempt and was shocked how difficult the professor was making the questions for me. I was distraught as the university was threatening that if I couldn’t pass within the month, I wouldn’t be able to continue the Masters and all the work I’ve done the past year and a half would be lost. My internship search had yielded no results and I was extremely frustrated as I saw people around me getting jobs when I have worked so hard. I also became extremely homesick as I had spent so much time with my family and felt ten times worse about leaving a fiancée back home then leaving a boyfriend. I guess Rob was right about that in the end. I started to plummet into a dark place.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this next part in my blog because it’s extremely personal. In fact, I’ve had this entry saved for months now because I was afraid to post it and what people would think of me. But a close friend of mine recently said she missed my writing and asked why I haven’t posted in awhile. This pushed me to finally come clean. I feel like I should because I’ve always been honest here, and it could help someone else out who is struggling as well.

In mid January I began to have trouble falling asleep, even though I was always tired. I was extremely on edge for no apparent reason. Of course I was stressed and upset about the things I’ve mentioned above, but I’ve dealt with much larger problems before and I usually thrive off stress. I started to have panic attacks over something as small as missing the bus. I would cry over nothing throughout the day. Then the insomnia kicked in. I couldn’t sleep an entire night and watched the sunrise. I didn’t think much of it and figured it happens to everyone once in a while. Second night, same thing. I tried the usual methods to make myself sleepy like Tylenol PM, Benedryl, and Nyquill. Nothing worked. After the fourth night I went to the pharmacy and they gave me a herbal thing with Melatonin to help me sleep. It didn’t work and I was absolutely exhausted.

After the sixth night of not sleeping, I became frantic and my body went into shock. I called my friend in the middle of the night to come help me because I was literally scared to be alone. I wasn’t thinking straight and doing illogical things. She took me to the emergency center where the doctors gave me a tranquilizer shot because I was so frantic. I remember them saying it would put a horse out, but it didn’t work for me because my tolerance is so high. Another unsuccessful attempt. At this point I had to come clean with my parents of what was going on. I hadn’t been talking to them because I knew I couldn’t lie about my condition. Because they were extremely worried, my dad decided to book a flight and come to Italy the next day. In the meantime, I went to a general doctor and he hesitatingly prescribed me sleeping pills and Xanex for a short duration. Thank God they worked and I began a regimen of these medicines in order to function normally as classes had just started.

It’s embarrassing and I never thought it would happen to me.

Now we’re at the end of May. I went home for Easter to reboot. I found a job working at the U.S. Commercial Service in Milan which helps American companies enter the Italian market through market research, strategy consulting, and creating partnerships. My anxiety is under control and I am sleeping relatively normal again. I don’t have to take medicine on a daily basis anymore, but when I do have an “attack”, I know how to better cope with it and accept that I don’t always have control. This is one of those things that I can’t fix. It’s a condition. It might be temporary because of my environment or I might have it the rest of my life. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m not alone. It was amazing the outpouring of help and concern that came from my friends in Piacenza, my parents and family (especially my dad who flew to Italy like a crazy person), and all the people who have the same problem, admitted it to me, and talked me through it.

I’m happy again.

Jackie <3